Five Reasons WipeOut Is Great Television

So, a friend and I were party chatting over Xbox Live, and suddenly, I heard an explosion of laughter coming from my headset. This spurred me to ask an obvious set of questions: "What is the cause of all of this humor-related laughter that you are currently partaking in?", or realistically, "What the fuck are you laughing at?" He told me that WipeOut was on, so being the pain -loving person I am, I had to tune in. Now, I've always been a fan of MXC and its ridiculous commentary, but WipeOut was different. Here's why I enjoyed it:

5.) Obesity - For obvious reasons, the producers of the show chose a few overweight, unathletic human beings to participate. Now, if you can't tell that you need to be in shape, you're an idiot. They don't just give people fifty grand for nothing. It's always great to watch a winded, chubby older woman swing right into a wall or fall into the mud, though. Good call, guys.

4.) Commentary - While it isn't as ridiculous or funny as MXC, it retains the raw commentary. I love how they laugh and make fun of their contestants without all of the "Oh, everyone deserves respect just for trying" bullshit. I like to see broken hearts. What would a competition be without that? Not funny, that's for sure.

3.) Jill Wagner - I want to make sweet, sweet love to her...on the Spinner...under a waterfall. Yum.

2.) The Entire WipeOut Zone - Let's see. A giant fucking slide followed by a live action Donkey Kong re-enactment. Then we have a wall you have to navigate somehow to get to that Mexican Hat ride (basically). Did I mention you have to jump OFF of it too? Oh, but that's not the end. Lastly, you have to trampoline across a few platforms. I ALSO failed to mention that this is all around a shit ton of water, fire, and darkness. Great.

1.) The Sweeper - ....I'll let this one speak for itself. 

Note to blonde: Spend more time jumping and less time cheering yourself into mediocrity.

New Beginnings

Hello 2009. Nice to formally meet you.

I say that with the most extreme tone of sarcasm that one guy could possibly muster. Firstly, I'd like to say to GoDaddy.com...blow me. You try gouge me for a shitty .info domain after making me pay only 2.99 to get it. I will not give you more business without a formal apology along the lines of "Dear Mr. LaCombe, we formally apologize for trying to take your hard earned cash, and we offer every domain name starting with the letter "Z" and, also, a blow job from an attractive employee on our staff, your choice." I'm hoping this is going to come through for me. I'm not the biggest fan of Blogger. It's not that I'm condemning anyone who uses it. It's an easy alternative to designing a site from scratch and then messing with HTML everytime you want to make a post. I get it.

Next, I want to say to the United States...no, scratch that...to the World...blow me. I'd like to destroy a third world country. Here is why: the Rick Roll'ing of me and the rest of the population when gas prices went down, only to begin rising again, effectively breaking my heart in the process. Maybe this is all my fault. I jinx'ed the whole world by saying "I fucking love cheap gas.", but really, who could blame me? I love cheap hookers too, but does that mean that every hooker is going to raise their bed fees?

Lastly, for today's segment of hate, I say to collegiate institutions...blow me. Every semester there's a new fee for some god awful reason. I would not be surprised if next semester I have to pay an extra thirty-five dollars for the "Marty McFly" fee in which Back to the Future is shown on every kiosk promptly at 8:08 every morning. Can't I just pay a basic a-la-carte fee? Basic Experience: $2000. Computer Usage: $35. Regretful Drunken Sex with an Ugly Co-Ed: $47 dollars. That seems sensible to me! 

That's all I have to say for now. I'm parched and exhausted from all of this tomfoolery.    

Time for some R&R (...and I mean review and rant!)

Originally Posted: July 28, 2008

Let me give you a rundown of my life and then day to set up this blog. Firstly, since I was old enough to press shit, I have played video games. This has been a constant in my life, and at some points, it's lead me in the direction of trouble (here's to you high school GPA). Nevertheless, I love my video games. About 7 years ago, this monster of a black box came out and stole my heart. Yeah, I'm an Xbox fanboy, and even worse, I'm a Microsoft fanboy. Take that as you will. Let's just say my first child may or may not be named William Henry Gates the Third LaCombe. 

Now that you get my background in gaming, let me illustrate my day. After falling asleep at the early time of about 1:45 A.M., I woke up at 6:55 A.M. on my fifth day off in a row to go pick up my check at work at 7:30. Not only did I want this check, but I wanted to swipe a copy of NCAA 09 before everyone else found out and rushed the store like the damn stampede scene in the Lion King (...a moment of silence for Mufasa). When I arrived, I, to my own joy, found that there were about seven hundred copies sitting in the glass case. My day of awesome next-generation football gaming on my Xbox 360 was set. I was going to merk noobs, and I was excited. I purchased the game, and with a little more pep in my step, I trotted back to my car like a proud stallion. 

I rushed home, ripped off the wrapper, set up my fuzzy, purple pod chair, put on Tenacious D, and on the game went. All was well as the trumpets blazed through my small room, and I "pressed start" while admiring Darren McFadden's SEC-representing, ass kicking running abilities...in a still photo. I blazed through all of the EA and tutorial bullshit that accompanies every year's edition (Side Note: Stop it. We all know kids hate sports and like Ben10 and Bakugan and whatever else. Everyone who's playing this game has played it before. If they haven't, they have the control scheme built into their brains anyway. It's a fact, it's science, get over it.). Once I picked LSU and stared at the pretty lady in purple and gold on my television, I was ready to go. Except something went terribly awry. I heard a noise that sounded like R2D2 climaxing and then my screen froze. Could this be? Did NCAA 09 cause my TV to freeze in amazement?! No, there was another culprit. I noticed this when I restarted my Xbox to find 3 red lights blinking at me as though little men jumping in excitement that they had successfully pissed me off. After beating a small asian child over the situation(Sorry Little Dong...), I called the support line where a female with a thick accent answered, and after telling me what I knew already, I was told I'd have to send it in. Whatever. Been there, done that. After trying the towel trick, I was up and running for a while atleast.

Now, it's time to sing the praises of NCAA 09. I'm not the biggest EA fan. They're rarely innovative, and they produce sequel after sequel. But after the fungasms given to me by Rock Band (only because of Harmonix) and Skate, I decided it was ok to praise them. Yes, it's the same game, but they've given us great new features. All of the awesome shit from last year was brought back with the addition of Online Dynasty (OMGMEGATON!?!?!111?). This sure caused a disturbance in my lower region when I heard it, and I'm sure other fans had the same reaction.

All in all, my two and half hours with the game were great. I got owned online by a fellow playing as Florida State, and I started a dynasty and campus legend (both got merked by freezes from the failbox 360). All were pretty pleasurable. I've noticed the graphics look a bit more polished and cleaner than '08, and I don't hear anyone complaining. I promise, though, to give it a better review when I have a device to play it on (so much for Xbox in Florida and Houston...OH WAIT MY DAD HAS ONE! Zac - 1, Microsoft - 0!)